10 Ways To Build Community

I have moved a lot. I’ve lived in four different provinces and countless cities, sometimes for a just a few months, other times for a few years. I've discovered that people make all the difference to my happiness, and that it is essential for me to have a sense of belonging and togetherness. I used to be a shy child, but through necessity and practice I’ve learned how to arrive in a new place, make friends, and become part of a community. After moving to Vancouver and then Salt Spring Island and then back to Vancouver during the past year, I realized that I have some friend-making skills that serve me well. I was inspired by this classic poster to write my own list about how I build community. 

1. Show up in the same place, repeatedly. This could be anywhere - a climbing gym, a coffee shop, an exercise class. Choose something you are interested in and want to do anyway, and keep going there consistently. Over time you will naturally meet people.
2. Look people in the eye. Ask them "how are you?" and really mean it. Ask questions about them. Listen to them. Be genuinely interested. Repeat.
3. Be present.
4. Make it a priority to meet people. AND, give it time. Let it happen.
5. Be brave. Go to events. And while you're there, don't just stick to your friend's hip - talk to strangers. Introduce yourself. Know that most people are nervous and insecure inside too, and will be surprised and flattered that you talked to them. And if they aren't, you probably don't want to get to know them anyway. It is scary to just start talking to someone, and continues to be scary every time. But it is also rewarding. And people will remember this.
6. Smile. But it has to be real. Take care of yourself so you can be present, genuine, and your smile can shine - this is very attractive to potential friends. People may not consciously register it, but if you are feeling distracted or judgemental, on some level they will know. Prioritize self-care.
7. Share food - join in meals together when you have the opportunity, share what you have, and graciously take what is offered.
8. Learn people's names. Then use them. I know this is hard, but it's worth it. People brighten up when you use their name. It can clinch a friendship like nothing else.
9. Don't do that thing people do where they sort of know each other but not really, so pretend they don't see one another. Acknowledge people you know! Say hello.
10. Follow up/check in as the friendship develops. Say hello the next time you see them, and make a comment ask them question that references something you have in common - perhaps a previous conversation, an interest you both have, an event you both attended or are planning to attend. Anything that connects the two of you in some way. Other ways of following up including sending a message if you haven't seen them in a while. Show up at their birthday party even if you don't feel like going out that night. Attend their gallery opening. In whatever way is relevant that that friendship, show them without words that they are important to you. 

Loneliness is literally bad for your health. See this 2015 meta-analysis that indicates that social isolation increases risk for premature mortality and is comparable to more well-known factors detrimental to your health, such as lack of access to healthcare, substance abuse, obesity, lack of physical activity, ect. They state that loneliness is a public health concern that may reach "epidemic proportions" if not addressed. I'm not trying to scare you, but rather to emphasize the point that loneliness and isolation is widespread, and has major health implications. So take care of yourself! Prioritize your social life! Connect with friends, new and old. Be loving. And know that this is something that feels good right now, AND is good for you in the long term.